Ellie had a fantastic weekend at State for Cheerleading but sadly began feeling tired and sick Sunday Night. I kept her home on Monday thinking a day of rest would do her some good and hopefully give her a reset. Unfortunatly she just seemed to get worse. We went to the Doctor yesterday to find out that once again she has Strep throat, 2nd time in a month. We where on apt 3 of the day (MRI) when Ellie broke down in tears. She said "I'm tired of all this"
I responded with "I know but you will feel better tomorrow once your antibiotics kick in"
She then Continued on to say "No its not going to be better, we have to go to the hospital tomorrow too. Im tired of how my life has been so tough since I was 6 years old"
In that moment I wanted to swoop her in my arms and cry with her, tell her its ok we dont have to go to the hospital tomorrow. Unfortunatly as a mother that is not an option. I just told her "I know its tough but we have to do this, and we just need to suck it up and make the best of it" She didnt like my response, being a Mother is the hardest Job in the entire world. Once she went into the MRI I broke down and the nurse that sees her every other month for MRI broke down. Yesterday I was defeated, even this morning and through the first half of the afternoon I felt defeated.
I felt sad, exhausted, and like I didn't have the strength to fight on.
Today at the hospital, I handed over all the new medication Ellie is now on to the Doctor and his response was "wow these medications are allot of money, wow even the generic is expensive." I never look at the bill coming out of walgreens I just know that we pay out of pocket allot for medication a year but looking at the fees would just throw me over the edge, there is nothing I can do about the medication costs, they are a must and are needed so whats the point. . When the doctor was saying how expensive the costs of meds are I felt like throwing my hands up in the air and giving up, but before I had a chance, he said "lets go look at the newest scan." We walked in and as he was pulling it up and said some sweet much needed rejuvenating words "Her tumor looks a tad bit smaller. I am optomistically happy" Did I hear that correctly it actually seems to be working? The rashes, tiredness, crankyness, Doctors apointments, and (My personal favorite) Doctor Bills are all worth it to hear those simple words "It's Smaller." (Doctor kept on stressing ever so slighly smaller) He had no Idea how much I needed to hear those words today of all days. I was one Doctor Bill, one crying child, one little thing away from a straitjacket and padded room. No after labor Day white for me (for the time being) Sometimes when you feel defeated and start questioning your beliefs in God he shows up and that would be my day today. Thanks for showing up for me, you must of known I was on the edge and needed a pick me up. Feeling like a new person tonight but need a nap. Glad to have nothing for the rest of the day.
A mother with a battle ahead of her.