It is very interesting how losing a child changes your perspective on life, after life, and Religion. Before I lost Ellie I was a very sporadic Lutheran. Sure, we went to church on Holidays and maybe a handful of times throughout the year when children where younger. Both my kids where baptized in the church. As my kids grew older and sports became a part of their lives going church became more and more sporadic and less of an importance. I never gave up praying at night but that also was not every night occurrence. When I did pray I prayed for the health of both my Kids not just Ellie. After losing Ellie I found a new love for God and Heaven. The way I can describe it is when you child is involved in a sport you love that sport (well at least when they are playing that sport). Well this goes for Heaven and God. I relate Ellie to god and know she is in Heaven. I am not an overly religious person, but I have found a new belief and perspective on God, you can say a renewal of belief that there is a God and Heaven. Many people find this very odd as they would think losing a child would crush your belief in God. But I look at it as God is helping me cope every day with out Ellie. The thing that gets me through every day is thinking and knowing that she is in Heaven with my Grandparents and looking over us. Yes, she was taken much too soon in life but there is a reason for everything. I am still searching for that reason but what I feel in my heart today is that she has brought a community together. She has reminded people to be kind and has changed so many lives.
Now onto something you might think is a little coo coo. If you have lost someone extremely close you might be able to relate.
Before Ellie’s passing if someone told me they had signs from their loved ones that have passed, I might look at them like they had two heads. Well guess what, I am the one those people with two heads I guess. I have done a 360 on this belief. I see signs every day that Ellie is around me. It might not be a direct sign from Ellie but just something that makes me think of her. A green car, a green light, a green ribbon, pretty much anything green. At the fundraiser last week one of Ellie’s friends’ moms told me that she watched the video of us talking about the fundraiser and noticed as soon as I started talking all the birds started to chirp and it gave her chills. Well today I feel like I experienced something similar. Today I went and visited with Ellie. We did our normal talk, or should I say I talked allot (This is 100% typical of me if you know me). When I go with Dave, he might say two words and I do all the talking. I know this shocks some of you lol. But anyhow after sitting on the bench looking out at all the birds in the water and talking to Ellie. I got up walked around, cleaned up her grave site a little, and said goodbye and that I loved her to pieces. Well as I walked off Dozens upon Dozens of Geese all from the water started to fly away and chirp loudly almost like Ellie was saying bye to me and sending me a sign that she is listening and is with me.
I know that I am going to get mixed reactions from this post, but I promise you if you ever lose a child or a Parent you are extremely connected and close too you probably are in the same boat. Just another one of my two headed friends ;). And as far as believing in god my heart hurts for those that don’t believe because it gives us hope that we will once again see our loved ones again someday.
A mother with a battle ahead of her.